Embracing Your Vulnerable Child

At birth we are born vulnerable and utterly dependent on adults for getting our needs met.  Nurturing, protection and love – emotionally and physically – are top priority for us.  It is important to understand that this part of us – the vulnerable child – is only one of the many aspects of the inner child.  The others are angry, playful, creative and spiritual.

 
The characteristics of this vulnerable child are that they are extremely sensitive and feel deeply the energy of others.  They tune into their real selves, especially their unexpressed thoughts and feelings.  They pick up body language and attitudes beneath the words.  They know truth and who is covering up.  Unfortunately, due to the dysfunction around them, they are taught to deny their finely tuned radar.  As they learn to listen to it again and again that radar can become an incredibly powerful device for navigating through many difficult situations.

How can we know that this vulnerable child is “speaking to us”? – we just “feel” vulnerable.  We may feel fragile and sensitive, in need of nurturing and protection.  One way a vulnerable child often comes out is through symptoms of fatigue, aches, pains and illnesses.  The vulnerable child also comes out through expressions of sorrow, grief or fear.  Tears are the sign of the vulnerable child.  A strong impulse to hide, to be sheltered, can also be a signal from the vulnerable child.  Depression can be when an inner child is feeling beaten down.  Often when the critical parent within has been running the show and being abusive, an inner child’s natural ability to have a healthy reaction of anger gets stifled and turns inward.  This kills the child’s aliveness and leaves its energy depleted – emotionally and physically.  This is not to demonstrate that we are supposed to be happy all of the time.

In order to heal this part of a vulnerable child, it must be owned.  Not owning this part can cause a person to shut down their ability to be vulnerable and open to emotional intimacy.  If they don’t own that emotionally deprived aspect of themselves they can’t truly open their hearts to be vulnerable as an adult.  For instance, people who are counter dependent and can’t stand being around needy people are usually terrified of that part of themselves and because of that will keep picking emotionally unavailable people to be in a relationship with or will run away if someone is emotionally unavailable because it will feel like neediness to them.  When this emotional deprivation is associated with the teenager within them it can cause them to act out sexually to try to get emotional neediness met.  The fact that they have in the past acted out sexually in ways that they are ashamed of – or found themselves  very needy, vulnerable and powerless to suppress the emotional neediness in sexually intimate relationships – can cause them to shut down to their sensuality and sexuality out of fear of the loss of control that they expected in the past.

Learning about boundaries and how to resolve conflict plays a big part in working on the vulnerable inner child.  By understanding the age regression process in recovery assists people to own not only this part but many other parts of themselves when it comes to working in therapy to gain a sense of “self”.  It is a healing process – painful at times but will bring you much reward and peace – something that may never have been experienced in the past or for a long long time.  Once healed they will never be the same again – life will be worth living and enjoying one day at a time.

Lyn May

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Feelings

It’s come to my attention lately the number of people who state “I don’t really know what feelings are”.  They seem to be puzzled when asked “and what did you feel” or “what are you feeling right now?”  Most times they seem to immediately think a feeling and state that.  This makes sense if we have grown up in a dysfunctional family where feelings were taboo.  Why?  Because it was dangerous for little children to have or to query a feeling.  Feelings weren’t discussed or recognised and therefore never talked about.  Feelings generated anxiety driven by fear therefore shutting down and not feeling became the norm.  Some people would ‘dissociate’ or ‘numb out’.  Others would act out so as to relieve the tension in the air or avoid the chaos of other family members.  There were a variety of ways in which we learnt to avoid having feelings.

We all have feelings whether we believe this or not.  They can be exhibited in a manner of ways.  When you cut yourself it hurts – there is a stinging sense, a sharpness of the skin separating and a ‘whoosh’ of sensation in your belly from the immediate shock of what has happened.  This is all feeling.  When one is frightened there is the immediate feeling of terror, fear, wanting to run or being frozen on the spot – all feelings.  Someone hurts us emotionally and we have a body reaction.  Our heart feels heavy, we feel sad, we feel ‘cut-off’ – again, all feelings.  We may have a sense of being discarded – another feeling.  Feelings can manifest in body sensations – a lump in your throat, a sensation of rocks in your belly, tightness in your chest or stomach.  Aches and pains which a professional can find no reason for.  Your body has a way of telling you that ‘something is going on’ when you tighten up, resist, feel a lurch in your lower rib cage (someone has just violated your boundary).  Feelings are not just being mad, sad, glad or bad.

In therapy when one is struggling with feelings the most recognised ones such as pain, fear, disappointment, grief, frustration, anger, confusion and feeling lost are usually governed by ingrained core beliefs.  For example, this can be shown by the client not looking the therapist in the eye when talking of painful issues.  This suggests that fear and mistrust are evident and reflects a belief that one must protect themselves from emotional hurt.  The hurt feeling has already happened – it is connected to the painful issue so therefore the client habitually represses it yet again – and as the client has managed to repress this in earlier times they continue to do so.  I relate this to the “don’t feel, don’t talk and don’t trust” rules in dysfunctional families.  For change to happen we have to learn in therapy to “stay with our experiences – feel the emotions within this experience or as some will say ‘missing experience’ and then we will be able to experience feelings without restraint”. (Hakomi – Body Expression and Experience in Body Psychotherapy).  Once feelings involved in core beliefs are brought into consciousness and we attain a sense of safety in having feelings, only then will we have a far clearer sense of who we are.

Lyn May, Senior Clinician

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The Inner Child

 When one enters into counselling or therapy they may do a lot of talking and analyzing. However, as so many of us have found, this does not always reach the “inner child” – the part of each individual that lies hidden away.  When you grow up in an alcoholic or addicted home environment you don’t get much of a chance to be a “kid”.  Life is full of anxiety, fear and secrecy amongst many other things.  Children use simple, direct and feeling words.  As children, if we haven’t been encouraged or feel safe enough to do this, then we become like little robots – doing what we think we should or must do in order to fit in.

Recent research has shown that there are “gating” mechanisms that inhibit memory of painful early experiences.  There may be part of you which has formed armour in the form of masks or coping skills that that worked for you as a child however don’t work so well now.  You may hold back from situations for fear of feeling exposed or you may struggle with boundaries especially in intimacy.  For survival sakes, the “little child” goes into the “closet” and shuts the door.  Healing happens when as adults we come into contact with this “little part” of ourselves and support the “child” to come out and be part of our lives.  By coming to a place where we learn to trust we are then ready to explore this part of us.  By tapping into a deeper level of instinct and emotional memory this creates inner healing for the “inner child” – our inner child.

We all have a “knowing” place.  If you place your hand in the middle of your body, just about where your rib cage ends you will find your “knowing” place.  If you breathe into this you will soon sense what is right and wrong for you.  Unfortunately we tend to neglect this place especially when we are caught in uncertainty.  Then we tend to freeze or run – even fight back but it doesn’t really work well for us to do this as we usually act out of old memories rather than what is happening “right now”.  Getting curious?  I hope so as this is how the inner child tries to get our attention.  But do we heed him/her?  We may name this as our fear – you may have other names for this.

In our inner child workshops later this year you can have a chance to explore this part of you that needs a voice.  As a client said to me “I want to grow up, I feel like a child in a woman’s body”.  She was starting to come to that place where she was identifying how she acted from a small child in instances that caused her conflict.  If we relate this to inner conflict and connect it to acting out from this place which is “small”, we will tend to behave or communicate from that place of fear, shame, anger or even self-righteousness.  In the workshop you can have the chance to explore these “old memories” or old stories and come to a resolution that leaves you with a sense of understanding and peace.

Take care,

Lyn.

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CORE BELIEFS

Some of you may have heard this term before and not really looked at what this is all

about.  They may shape your life especially in an addicted family system and you just naturally follow them without questioning.

For instance, do you feel that you haven’t had anyone in your life that you can depend on for advice and emotional support?  Do you feel special?  Do you feel that you get enough love and attention?  Do you need people so much that you worry about losing them?  Do you have the sense that if you express yourself too much to other people they may leave you?  On the other hand you may feel that it’s only a matter of time before someone betrays you.  It could be that you struggle with being suspicious of other people’s motives.  It may be that you set up “tests” for other people to see if they are telling you the truth and are well-intentioned.  Some people struggle with the fact that no-one understands them and they always feel on the outside of the group.  No matter how much they struggle to fit in they never get the feeling that they really do.  There are many many more that we tell ourselves every day – day in and day out and so we never give ourselves the chance to totally believe in ourselves because we base our beliefs on those learnt from our family of origin.  I’m not saying that every belief is wrong but if you come from a family where there was an addiction it’s on the cards that you may have a false impression of yourself based on other people’s beliefs.  You could put it this way – you swallowed their views thinking they were right when they weren’t necessarily so.

Recovery is about learning who we are as people.  What do we need from others?  How do we operate in our daily lives?  Can we connect with others in an intimate manner and at what degree will we allow this to happen?  Do we hold people at arms length or do we let them come closer?  So many questions.  Yes they do have answers and with answers comes freedom.  It’s like we have to parent ourselves all over again.  The inner child wants a voice but we crowd him/her out with all these false beliefs about ourselves.  When basic human needs go unfulfilled we are at high risk for developing shaky foundations for life.  Sooner of later a crisis hits and the world we thought was ok crumbles.  Your mask of the adult person cracks and hopefully you will start to re-evaluate your life – start to look inwards and examine your beliefs.

As we come to the end of the year, many of you will be re-evaluating your lives.  Maybe 2010 will be a time for you of seeking change, finding freedom, making a new start.  Take the time to care about yourself – it starts with you.  Many blessings for this coming Christmas – may your home and life be filled with joy and happiness and may peace reign within you.

God Bless, Lyn May

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of you who come from a family of alcoholism/addiction or codependency there is a similarity that

appears to run through the family dynamics that indicate that each individual has a mixed up view of who

they really are.  This is seen in the active alcoholic/addict who acts out in crazy behaviour due to the influence of the substance or the significant other who acts out according to other people’s behaviours/attitudes and influences.  If we relate this to our family we have acted out accordingly to the rules and the rituals.  We do this habitually and without second thoughts, just like running on auto pilot.

In recovery we learn to attend to our thoughts, feelings, wishes, heartfelt longings, all our reactions and conscious experience, much of it on the fringe or in the background of our consciousness.  Due to learnt behaviour we now need to become more aware of the ways in which we cut off or pretend to ourselves, or try to override certain inner states, thoughts or imagined realities.  The work we do in personal recovery is focused on individuality which contains personal emotions, thoughts and feelings – how we react to others whether in arguments, conflict, anger, loving moments or whatever with the whole of ourselves, physical reactions, thoughts and feelings intertwined.

In addiction or addiction to the addiction we act out a preconceived reality – full of crisis or chaos.  Mixed in this are panic, anxiety, control, anger or rage, shame or guilt and fears of abandonment.  We hide this by wearing a mask, appearing calm but inwardly feeling out of control. The dysfunction shows itself in our behaviour.  We may joke, or strive for perfection.  We may be always in trouble or achievement driven.  We may be the wall flower or the cute one by wearing our appropriate masks for each occasion.  Personal work in recovery enables us to be fully in touch with another so that we can meet with all our individuality, recognize that we are fully aware of each other and not caught up in old attitudes and beliefs that cause us to deflect or avoid any given situation.

The beginning starts with becoming aware that there is a problem – they meet and talk to another in terms of telling their story and from this the feelings start to flow which in turn create a situation of safety, validation, recognition and feeling heard – maybe for the first time in their life.  There is much grief at the losses of childhood and depending on how old one is, adulthood.  There are losses connected to hopes and dreams but there is also a sense of peace created within that forms part of ones identity – being in the world and part of it, not an onlooker – not the wallflower.

In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs the ultimate is self actualization.  Does one ever reach this?  I don’t know but I do know that striving for this brings one closer to who they really are, with all their imperfections, all their fragility they/we can find a greater sense of self when pursuing recovery.

Lyn May

Senior Clinician

I’ve noticed the daffodils on the way home from work and gain a sense that spring, even though it’s raining, is almost upon us.  A time of new growth and renewed invigorated spirit yet there will be those of you who are still caught up in another person’s life due to their addiction.  Or it may be that you a living a life where you are still searching for that which you feel is out of reach – something that will bring you a sense of inner happiness.

Living with the chaos of addiction doesn’t leave a person much time for pondering, exploring new ideas and having new experiences.  It does unfortunately feel time consuming, full of turmoil and extremely emotionally painful.  Why do we allow it to consume us so much?  Well for some we know that we can’t do anything but still keep trying.  For most much of the time is spent obsessing about what he/she is doing, where they are, who they are with, will they be home or won’t they?  What will they be like when they do come home and what will you say?  For those of you who are not living with it anymore you may be wondering why isn’t life any better.  You may ask yourself ‘why do I have to feel in charge, why do I need to have another person to look after, why do I continue to feel depressed, anxious, or out of kilter?’

Addicted to the addiction – sound familiar.  Just like the addict, family members become addicted to the hype of addiction, the rush of adrenaline whenever there is a crisis.  For some reason it hits the brain and you go into the action of reaction.  The blood pressure rises, the heart pounds and you’re on “red alert” waiting for the “bomb to drop”.  Living with it you may “instigate” an argument or crisis just to get it over and done with or if not living with it you can find yourself embroiled in other people’s dramas.  You may even find yourself being responsible for outcomes of them that have nothing to do with you anyway.

You love an addict – of course you want to help them but not at a cost to yourself.  That cost being that you become ill in the process, take medication just to cope, and feel like you are living your life totally focused on them and nothing else.  Just like the addicted person the family needs help also.  Learning how to “detach” from the addiction is a priority for all family members in order for the cycle to stop.  Family members become “addicted” to the addiction too. 

Developing new attitudes and behaviors, gaining education and information to help yourself whether the addict stops or not gives you a new look at life – your life.  Own it and live it – it’s yours.  Enjoy the daffodils.

Take care,

Lyn

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SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
                                   

After giving much thought to what I would share with you through this page, I decided to write about the significant other – the other person in the relationship with the addicted person.  No, not the adult child of an addicted person but someone from a dysfunctional family or in laymen’s terms from a family that is “quite crazy”.  It could be that you are from a strictly religious upbringing or background.  Or the one where there are “secrets” or “things” that no-one talks about.  You might hear rumors or old stories about the individual relations but never quite get the gist of the whole story.

 In these families there are the rules just like in families where there is active addiction which structure the dysfunctional dynamics.  They are “don’t talk”, “don’t feel”, and therefore you “don’t trust”.  There are also the roles which include the ‘clown’, the ‘scapegoat’, the ‘high achiever’, the ‘lost child’ and lets not forget the ‘enabler’.  This lays the foundation through generations for unhealthy relationships.  It also sets one up for relationships to addicted people.  So you meet the love of your life and ride off into the sunset to settle down with the picket fence and the expectation of having a brood of happy children – or so you think.  But, he/she drinks a bit too much – doesn’t matter, you will set out to make it right – and therein, is your first mistake.  You notice that after the honeymoon phase he/she drinks, uses drugs or gambles a “bit too much”.  The cracks begin to show in the relationship.  The arguments escalate along with the bills and “other problems”.  All pleas and threats don’t change them but you can change yourself. 

  Firstly, you have to know what it is that you need to change.  Now that takes a bit of self challenging and this only occurs after you have run yourself ragged trying to change everyone else.  Secondly, you need to look hard at what you can do in order to deal with “them” (for it may be your partner as well as your children who are in active addiction).  Again you can’t cure them, you can’t control them – although you try like heck to do so – and you certainly didn’t cause them to become addicts.  But there are some things you need to take responsibility to change.  Learn about addiction – not their addiction but your addiction to the addiction.  You know, the obsessive and compulsive behaviour that you partake in.  Like going out in the middle of the night looking for the addicted person, picking them up from wherever so that they get home safely, cleaning up after their binge, paying their bills because the debt collector is on the doorstop or buying them (kids) groceries because they are broke.  Let’s take this another step further – you work because you are afraid the mortgage or rent won’t get paid and the kids won’t get fed.  We could go on and on.  Now is this normal behaviour?  No! 

Let’s name a few things that happen to you as a person.  You come from a “crazy” family – you have hopes that this one will be the answer to your dreams and wham! – it is just the same as growing up.  Maybe you haven’t realized this yet but you will.  What you see you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become.  So emotionally you want a secure life, one full of promise, fulfillment and happiness so you wait and hope.  Your self-esteem gets whittled away even more so you believe that what you are told is the truth – like “nothing is ever right in this house”.  This seems to be the war cry of the addicted person.  Then you start to believe that maybe you are exaggerating circumstances and take on more blame.  So, you try harder, work harder, lose weight, make fancy dinners, clean the house, and so on but still that doesn’t work.  On a scale of one to ten, your self-worth is zero.  Then the body starts to break down.  Aches and pains make themselves known but the doctor can’t find anything physically wrong so you may start taking prescription drugs.  Do they work?  Yes, for a short time but over the years when nothing changes you become addicted to these. 

Doesn’t make for a healthy picture does it and that’s the tip of the iceberg.  There’s the lack of boundaries in your relationship, there’s the broken promises, the abuse and violence.  You feel rejected and abandoned in life – your mental state starts to deteriorate.  Just like the addicted person you can reach a rock bottom and the only way is up.  Yes, there is hope for you.  It can be difficult to ask for help especially when you feel the shame of having failed – but there is help available. Christmas is coming up – a time of the year that can be extremely stressful for significant others.  Give yourself a present of a new life.  You can do this – with or without your addicted person in your life. 

Take care out there,

Lyn.

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CO-DEPENDENCY

Co-dependency refers to the behavior of two people who are so dependent on each other that one person has a strong need to control, care for, or manipulate the other.  In turn, the other person - who often has a problem like alcoholism, physical illness, insecurity, anxiety, or some other need - remains dependent and controlled, even though he or she might complain about this. The co-dependent person is often raised in a dysfunctional home where their emotional needs were not met. There also tends to be a belief that internal feelings can be controlled by controlling others, things, and events.  

How Do You Know If You're Co-dependent?

FORGIVING:  LETTING GO OF PAST

When was the last time you forgave someone who hurt you?  Forgiveness means to grant pardon without resentment.  It is experienced intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.  Forgiveness is a key to happiness and well-being because it releases the anger, hurt, bitterness, pain, fear, and even sometimes the illnesses we carry around. 

One of the reasons we need to forgive is so we can be released from the past.  Your past is always going to be the way it was.  You cannot change it.  Part of healing yourself is making peace with your old ghosts: those people, events, or situations that are still haunting you.  When you continually resent someone and hold on to past pain, you keep yourself tied to that person.  Hate, resentment and anger bind us to other people just as powerfully and forcefully as does love.  It is likely that our emotions have something to do with our health and feelings of well-being.  Hating people, especially those we once loved, may in fact make us sick.  Also, when you cannot forgive, you cannot love, either.  Our resentment will stop us from loving. 

One of the reasons why people do not want to forgive is that then they will not have anyone to blame any more.  Forgiveness helps you to take back your personal power because when you feel wronged, you act like a victim.  If you blame someone else, therefore, you will not work through your own emotions and issues, and as a result, you will remain hurt and angry.  Some people thus prefer to feel powerless and victim-like and to hold on to their blame.  Blaming someone else is a way for us to avoid having to do anything about a problem.  The dilemma is that when you are angry at another person, your anger really does not hurt them.  It is your body that tightens.  It is your peace of mind that is disturbed.  It is your consciousness that is being affected. 

As a result, not forgiving is ultimately self-defeating.  One of the keys to forgiveness is about developing empathy, which means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and experiencing what must have been going on for them.  You are able to forgive someone when you resolve the anger, disappointment, and feelings of betrayal you have towards them.  An underneath feeling of anger and resentment, incidentally, usually means we were badly hurt. 

Forgiveness does not sanction someone else’s behaviour.  It is about letting go, no longer carrying the pain and hurt around with you and no longer needing to get even.  In a sense, every time we think of someone we know very well, we forgive.  No marriage would last, no friendships survive, no other people’s transgressions on a regular and ongoing basis.   

So the question is:  Do you want to be healed or do you want to go on suffering from an unfair hurt?